Southpoint’s 30th Birthday on Easter Sunday is a great time for us to make some exciting changes as we upgrade for our next era of ministry. In this new digital age, we’re learning to adapt to virtual reality. Everybody’s going to be living in the “metaverse” soon, so we need to get ahead of the curve & not be left behind. That’s why we’ll be re-branding to a new name: METAVERSE CITY COMMUNITY CHURCH!
This will not be another physical “campus” but will take the place of in-person gatherings so everyone can “plug into” church wherever they are & float through immersive augmented environments to experience anonymous, disembodied transcendent fellowship. You’ll begin by creating an interactive avatar. You can make one that resembles you, or one that’s way better looking than you. Your avatar can dress up in a suit & tie or fashionable ensemble while you just relax in your p.j.’s on the couch. Or choose some other fantasy character for RPW (role-playing worship) like an angel or someone from the Bible. For example, you could be the beefy Samson or beautiful Rachel (we’ve disabled the Demon avatars, as well as making the Adam & Eve options unavailable).
You’ll strap on your VR headset so the AI host, “Esther” can welcome you with a virtual handshake (you can even choose the hug option or the “holy kiss” without fear or risk). You’ll be escorted into the auditorium portal where you choose your own preference of music style and auto-tune your voice to sound better (those near you will be grateful). Also, choose from a wide variety of sermon content (Why be limited to one option when you can listen to whatever you may be itching to hear?). You can even speed up the message to 1.5 or 2X speed if you’re in a hurry. We’ll be adopting the new “MetaVersion” of the Bible so everyone can read along together. Though you won’t be able to take communion or be baptized like IRL (in real life), we believe it will be just as spiritually satisfying to simulate those.
To kick off this new adventure, we’ll be receiving a special offering on Easter to supply VR headsets for any who can’t afford them. You can now give on this new platform using crypto or NFTs. We may also be experimenting with special side rooms, such as one just for singles to mingle-where they may swipe right into yoking equally! Trolls will be banned (though Jesus loves trolls too). If you’re worried that this will seem weird or creepy…it will be at first. But it’s OK Boomer, we believe you’ll get used to it. If you think about it, what better place to “practice” pseudo-faith than in a fake place?! Who really needs all the messiness of in-person, face-to-face, real-life gatherings anymore when technology is allowing us to “do church” in a better, faster, more convenient construct?! See you soon in MCCC!
P.S. What’s sad is that this may be more prophetic than prank. Some churches are already heading down this road. So what’s the difference between a parody and reality? About 2 years. Happy 4/1.