Mother’s Day can be a complicated day of mixed emotions for many these days. The ideal traditional first-marriage, two-parent family has become a minority situation. Family dynamics may include: abandonment, adoption, divorce, cohabitation, estrangement, single-parent & blended stepfamily households. And my childhood involved all of those. Through it all, I had 3 kinds of mothers who cared for me: birth, adoptive, & grand.
My birthmother, Judy, was impregnated at 18 years old by my father & they were married a few months later. But it didn’t last long because she wasn’t ready for a family. She abandoned me sometime after I turned 1 & moved to Los Angeles. When I was going through some memorabilia a while back, I found a note she wrote to a friend soon after leaving. Someone passed it on to me.
“I know that no one will ever believe I love my baby, but I honestly do. I pray that he will grow up to be as fine a man as his father is. Arvin has been a wonderful father & never anything but good to me. Arvin & his son both deserve the best & I hope they get it. I know that I’m wrong in what I’m doing & I hope God can forgive me even if no one else can. I’m sorry for what has happened. I’m not sorry for what I’m doing for myself, only for those whom I’ve hurt, disappointed, & abandoned.”
I never met her, & never really had a desire to. It wasn’t that I was angry, just that she was never really part of my life, so it didn’t make any difference. The first time she reached out to me was with a card she sent on my 20th birthday. Part of it said:
“I hope you’ll accept this greeting as a well-wished one & one long overdue. I can’t believe what a striking young man you’ve become. …I hope someday you & I can meet and talk. I feel there are many things that need to be said & feelings that need to be felt. In any event, I want you to know I care & always have, even though it may not have seemed so. Why pick now to say these things? I don’t really know myself. Let’s just say I’ve come to some crossroads & before I cross over, I would like to make things clean.”
In later years, we had some correspondence, but never spoke or met. 5 years before her death, she wrote me: “For the first time, I actually feel as though you had a better life than I ever could have given you.” Though abortion was illegal at the time, I’m still grateful that she gave life to me instead of finding a way to end it. And I certainly do forgive her. If I had remained with her, there’s no telling how differently my life would have turned out.
After their divorce, my father raised me with the help of his parents. My grandmother, Mary [pictured], who lived across the street, became my surrogate mother until Dad remarried when I was 3. Teresa, a young woman of 20, became my new mom. Within months, she became pregnant. But a few weeks before her due date, her new husband was critically injured & permanently disabled in a car crash. He could no longer mentally or physically function as a husband or father, so she cared for him while rearing my half-sister & me until I was 12. That’s when she, too, left to go cohabitate with an ex-convict.
She took my sister & me with her, but I didn’t want to remain with her. So after several turbulent weeks, I attempted to run away. She finally allowed me to return to my father, who was being cared for by his mother. After that divorce, I didn’t have much contact with my stepmom afterward because it was a strained relationship. However, she remarried a good man & lived as a Christian. In her later years, we had some correspondence through Facebook, & I’m grateful for a mom who adopted me as her own, & wanted me to remain with her. I also forgave her. But again, had I remained, my life would have turned out very differently.
Grandma, who had been my surrogate mother as a toddler, now fully became mother through my teen years. I’m grateful for a wonderful woman who stepped in to take care of both her son & grandson. It’s her Christian influence that shaped me more than anything. I wrote a note to her just before I went off to Bible College to study for ministry. She kept the note, which I inherited after her death.
“You will never know how much you have meant to me over the years…though I don’t show it like I should, I love you more than anyone else on earth…you have been a source of comfort, concern, strength, & love… your actions have been a tremendous witness in my life… You have guided me through ‘those difficult teen years’ & you have always been there for me. Your selflessness & caring for others is not only inspiring, but a true lesson in servanthood… Ever since I was a child, you have cared for me & I will always remember the ‘little things’ you’ve done & the times we shared. I hope my life will be a credit to the training & love you’ve put into it… I want you to really take care of yourself while I’m away…you are always in my prayers…. I just wish I had not been so rebellious and unhelpful at times, but I just want you to know…I love you.”
I share all that to encourage you that no matter what less-than-ideal childhood a person has or provides, God can use it to shape people for His purposes. I’m grateful to be living proof that God’s grace can overcome adversities beyond a child’s control. I’m also grateful that I married a woman who became what I consider an outstanding mother to our two sons. We did our best to provide a dysfunction & drama-free childhood of love & stability. God’s grace not only redeems our broken stories but empowers us to write better ones for future generations.