Nobody likes to deal with conflict because it destroys many relationships & organizations, including churches. When people can’t get along, or when someone is upset with another person, things can head south pretty quickly with trash-talking & gossiping. Yet, so many of these situations are avoidable & preventable if we practice biblical conflict resolution.
Getting along with others doesn’t come naturally. It’s a learned skill. Disagreement is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to result in division. It happened in the early church, for example, when Euodia and Syntyche couldn’t get along (Phil. 4:2-3). Paul & Barnabas also parted ways over a disagreement (Acts 15:36-41). Of course, in the church, any kind of change or perceived slight can stir up conflict.
Some will express disagreement politely, while others may selfishly storm off. Still others slip away silently because they avoid conflict altogether. They don’t speak up when they should because they value keeping the peace. Peacekeeping is easy, but peacemaking means addressing the source of dissatisfaction to work toward understanding, compromise, or reconciliation. Peacemakers are blessed (Matt. 5:9).
So pray about it. Is this an issue of pride or selfishness? Do I have a log in my own eye while trying to pluck a speck from the other person’s eye (Matt. 7:3-4)? Is this really something worth confronting over? Many issues are so minor that they can be overlooked – let it slide & don’t sweat the small stuff. But if it’s too big or important to ignore, then ask for wisdom, the right words, & His will.
Sometimes a person wants to chuck a relationship, or even check out of a church because one or two people have seemingly mistreated them. They might assume someone’s being rude, or giving a cold shoulder. They may read ill intentions into an email. They could have a run-in about how some policy or procedure’s being carried out. If you have a problem with someone (including with me), go to them, & get it worked out! Isn’t that what you’d want them to do with you? The person may not even realize there’s a problem.
Jesus gives us a process for that in Matthew 18:15-17 that begins with setting up a private meeting. That means not stirring up folks in the lobby & recruiting them to your side. Arrange a time to talk about it & don’t put it off. Settle it quickly; otherwise, it could turn into something worse (Matt. 5:25). Do it in person if at all possible, or by phone if not. But don’t handle such easily misconstrued issues by text or email. A person can read in a tone of voice that wasn’t intended, or misinterpret a turn of phrase or even an emoji.
The key verse in conflict resolution is: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:8). You can’t force someone to make peace – you can only do what you can do. We’re only responsible for our part, standing ready to make peace when the other party is ready.
When both sides are willing to talk, we calmly attack the problem, not the person. Control your temper & don’t let it devolve into a malicious argument (Phil. 2:14, Prov. 14:29). Instead of hurling accusations about intent, which trigger defensiveness, we simply stick to the facts without strong emotion & interpretation. Take the high road, assume good intentions, & don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t see them as the enemy, but give the benefit of the doubt, asking questions about why the person said or did what they did.
Give them an opportunity to give their perspective. Really listen. Then tell your perspective without assassinating the other person’s character. You can tell how what they did makes you feel, taking responsibility for your reaction. People can give you reason to feel a certain way, but they can’t make you feel that way. By taking responsibility for your emotions, you’re not letting them control you or weaponizing them against the other person.
Watch your words, careful not to say something in an angry haste that you’ll regret (Prov. 12:18, 21:23). Keep cursing & slander out of your mouth (Eph. 4:29, 31). Speak the truth in love & do so graciously (Eph. 4:15, Col. 4:6). Be quick to hear, slow to speak, & slow to anger (James 1:19).
Finally, offer specific expectations for the future. What are you asking the other person to do? If you’re responsible for any part of the conflict, what are you willing to do? Does forgiveness need to be sought or offered on either side?
If none of this works, then it may be time to move to the next phase of the Matthew 18 process – seek the help of a third party. This person could perhaps act as an impartial mediator, or at least as a witness. If this doesn’t work, then you can take the matter to the church, that is, bring it before the Elders for resolution. At this serious stage, the other person may be willing to follow through or may refuse & even cut off communication.
If they agree to meet, then both parties should be willing to abide by the decision of the Elders who are called to act as judges between contentious believers (1 Cor. 6:1-5). If the matter doesn’t get settled, at least you’ve done what you could to pursue peace, & can walk away with a clean conscience while leaving the door open for the future if the person ever comes to his senses.
Some people are divisive. Some are hurting. Some are controlling. But we don’t stoop to their level & return evil for evil & insult for insult (Rom. 12:17, 1 Pet. 3:9). We release any desire for revenge & any residual bitterness. Don’t let how someone treats you rob you of your peaceful spirit or steal your joy. Don’t let their real or imagined mistreatment prevent you from enjoying the fellowship of the church.
The church doesn’t need to be a place where nobody disagrees. It needs to be a place where people know how to disagree without dividing. Let the world see that Christians handle conflict differently. We are family, after all, on the same team advancing God’s Kingdom.