Plenty of online clickbait videos promise men the secret to becoming the kind of man women desire – from confidence & ambition to looks-maxxing & muscles. “Make more money. Get in shape. Dress with style.” But a couple of decades ago I took a survey in our church, asking women to list 5 things that women want in a man. Over 50 qualities were listed. But some patterns emerged, & I don’t think women’s wants have changed since then.
Of course, what women want may not necessarily be what God wants for you. Many find that out the hard way. Some good news for many men is that good looks wasn’t high on the list! It was more of a bonus than a priority. What these church women were looking for was generally what all women look for – someone who will treat them right, who’s kind, understanding, responsible, & hardworking with a sense of humor. But the top 5 things are listed here in order, & I think they’re excellent choices because they confirm what God says in Scripture.
1. Women Want a Godly Man. This was by far the most cited & important quality. That doesn’t mean they’re looking for a perfect man because the only perfect man remained single! Women want men who put God first in their lives, even above their wives. Many recognized that being #2 is the right place to be in a man’s life. When God is first, a man becomes a better husband.
A godly man’s going to display a lot of the Christlike qualities that women want – what Scripture describes as “fruit of the Spirit” (Gal. 5:22-23). What are you going to do when the outward man starts to dissolve & decay, or God forbid, is damaged in an accident? Always choose character over charisma. Look deeper. A woman may initially want a bad boy, but bad boys turn into rotten men.
This means Christian ladies shouldn’t date guys who aren’t solid believers so that they don’t end up becoming entangled or even marrying them (2 Cor. 6:14-16, 1 Cor. 7:16, 39). Don’t fall into “missionary dating” or even “missionary marriage,” treating men as evangelistic projects with potential for later on. This will save you heartache because a man will either pull you closer to God or away from God. So don’t settle for a man just because your emotions fell for him. It’s not enough. You want a godly man? Then become a godly woman who can attract a godly man.
2. Women Want a Faithful Man. She wants to trust him as completely committed & loyal for life. God demands faithfulness in His people because He is faithful. One of the standards for being a church elder is that he be a “one-woman-man” (1 Tim. 3:2). Unfaithfulness is serious sin & the one Jesus singles out as justification for divorce (Heb. 13:4, Matt. 5:31–32,19:3–9).
We have to guard our hearts from lust, whether in person or online (Matt. 5:27-28). That’s why in marriage we learn to understand, appreciate, & fulfill one another’s needs. We have an obligation to do so (1 Cor. 7:3–5). Your spouse makes a vow to meet these needs only within the marriage, & has nowhere else legitimately to go. We’re all responsible for our own thoughts & actions, but we’re also vulnerable to temptation. If you want to protect your mate from temptation, meet their needs for affection & intimacy. For anyone considering being unfaithful with someone else, remember that if that person will cheat with you, he or she will also cheat on you.
3. Women Want a Loving Man. They desire someone who’s affectionate & attentive, caring, compassionate, gracious & sensitive. Again, that sounds like the fruit of the Spirit. It’s the kind of love Christ fills us with & that’s commanded of husbands who are to be sacrificial, not selfish (Eph. 5:25). God tells husbands to be tender & understanding toward their wives (1 Pet. 3:7).
Men need to understand how strongly women need affirmations of love. Fortunately, there are hundreds of gestures that say, “I love you.” The Song of Solomon mentions, for example, words, touch, & embraces (7:6, 10, 1:2, 2:6). But if a man isn’t sure, he can simply ask her, “How can I best make you feel loved?”
4. Women Want an Honest Man. They want someone trustworthy because a strong marriage depends on trust. If he’s being deceptive or evasive, it eventually destroys her security. Jesus tells us that our integrity should be unquestionable (Matt. 5:37). The Bible makes no provision for “little white lies” (Col. 3:9-10). Certainly, don’t date someone who exhibits lying habits – you will not change him.
5. Women Want a Conversational Man. She wants someone who will talk with her, & even more importantly, listen to her. In their dating lives, most couples spend a lot of time talking. After they get married, each partner has a right to expect it to continue. A woman should never expect a man to be able to converse like a “girlfriend,” but he should reasonably be able to give his focus to discussions that don’t involve sports. Both have to adapt & find a satisfactory middle ground. All conversations should be filled with positive words, tones of voice, & body language (Col. 4:6, Eph. 4:29).
For a man, the goal isn’t really to become the kind of man women want, but the kind of man God wants. He will be faithful because Christ is; loving because Christ has loved him; honest because Christ is the truth; & encouraging because Christ teaches him how to speak. When a man pursues that kind of character, he often becomes exactly the kind of man a godly woman is looking for. Her heart doesn’t just race for a man she thinks she wants, but her heart can rest & rejoice in the man God has provided.