Unleavened Brett

Brett’s Friday Blog Post

UB Feb 23 WEB

When it comes to men, what do women want?

Some years ago, I surveyed our church on what they seek in the opposite sex. In last week’s blog I covered what men seek in a woman, so it’s time to find out what the ladies want. Of course, every woman is unique, but overall some patterns emerged. And it bears repeating that choosing a marriage partner is really the second most important decision you’ll make in life (after deciding to follow Christ) because it affects every area of your life & contributes to your overall well-being.

Most women don’t prioritize physical attractiveness in men in terms of marriage (it’s more like a “bonus”). Christian women especially want qualities that will make for a good husband. The “non-negotiable” qualities begin with being godly–a strong Christian who would make a solid spiritual servant-leader. These are men who put God first in their lives, even above their wives. And that’s just the way these women want it. A Spirit-filled man’s going to display a lot of the qualities that women want–love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control (Gal. 5:22-23).

Some women may want a bad boy at first, but bad boys typically turn into rotten men. These women don’t want to settle for someone just because of emotions. Emotions aren’t enough. They don’t want to settle for someone who’s not submitted & sold out to Jesus Christ; who’s going to set the spiritual pace for them & their children. Of course, to attract a man like that, a woman has to be that kind of godly person herself.

The second most important quality is fidelity–a man who’s devoted & loyal. God prioritizes that quality in marriage as well (Heb. 13:4). She wants to be able to trust him completely because without trust, marriages crumble. Unfaithfulness is the sin Jesus singles out as being justified grounds for divorce (Matt. 19:9).

Thirdly, women want a loving man who’s caring, compassionate, & considerate of her needs. That’s the main command that God gives husbands, & the kind of love Christ fills us with (Eph. 5:25). Such a man is tender, not harsh; affectionate, not distant; sacrificial, not selfish. There are numerous small gestures that communicate “I love you.” A woman may not tell her husband the ways she best feels loved (though she should), so he will need to ask–& then do those things often (not just on birthdays & Valentine’s Day).

Next on the list is honesty. If she can’t trust her husband, she’ll begin to feel isolated from him, & grow further away emotionally & physically. If he’s being deceptive or evasive (which indicates hiding something), it undermines her trust, & eventually destroys her security. Jesus tells us that our integrity on this should be clear–that we should never have to “swear to God” to get someone to believe us (Matt. 5:37). God makes no provision for lying, even “little white” ones because it’s contrary to His nature (Col. 3:9-10).

Lastly in the list of top 5 priorities, women desire men to be conversational. She wants someone who will talk with her, & maybe even more importantly, really listen to her. Women want men who care enough to value what they have to say. What they’re saying is, “Pay attention to me. When we got engaged, I thought we’d stay engaged!” Most men are not naturally good at this, however, so ladies will need to compromise & cut some slack. Wives can’t expect husbands to communicate with them in the same way they communicate with other women–they can’t. Still, they do appreciate men who make the effort.

Words are powerful & kind words are important to relationships (Prov. 12:18, 16:24). Men especially should concentrate on positive words (Col. 4:6), tone of voice, eye contact, & body language. Every marriage is going to have its share of disagreements, but they don’t have to turn into sharp words & angry arguments (Phil. 2:14). Show me any marriage that’s struggling, & I guarantee you’ll find far more discouraging words than encouraging ones.

Even great marriages go through tough times. You find a couple that’s been married 20, 30, 40, or more years, & nearly every single one will tell you that they’ve endured rough stretches. If you’re in one of those rough stretches, don’t throw in the towel. Work on your own spiritual growth. Seek help if needed. See if there can’t be genuine repentance, forgiveness, healing, & reconciliation. If you’re not married, but are looking for the right person–don’t settle for less than God’s best. But don’t expect a spouse to meet all your needs. Learn contentment where you are & wait patiently for the Lord.