Did you celebrate Valentine’s Day earlier this week? Some couples make a big deal out of this Hallmark holiday. Others choose to downplay or forego it altogether. And some don’t celebrate it because they’re not coupled up, either by choice or by lack of opportunity. This week & next, I’d like to tackle a touchy topic about what each gender prefers in the other in regards to coupling up from a Christian perspective. This is based on a survey I took several years ago in our church.
Let’s start with the men. What men want may not necessarily be what God wants. Many have found that out the hard way. Whom you choose to marry is the second most important decision you’ll make in life (next to deciding to follow Christ). Godly men prioritize faith first. They want a godly woman that’s compatible in the most important value in life. In marriage, two become one which is far deeper than a physical union–it’s a spiritual union (Matt. 19:4-6, Eph. 5:31-32).
A wife has tremendous influence to either help her husband to grow closer to the Lord or drift away from the Lord. In the first marriage, Eve lured Adam away from God. This is why God forbade the Israelites from intermarrying with foreign women–it wasn’t a national or ethnic thing, but a religious thing (Ezra 10:2). Men want that wife of noble character who reveres the Lord (Prov. 31:10-12, 29-31). A godly woman who is faithful to the Lord & virtuous is far more likely to be faithful to her husband. She honors him & family commitments because she honors the Lord & His Word. The odds of divorce in a household where both spouses are fully committed to Christ is very low.
The second thing men wanted was a loving woman. Real love goes beyond temporal feelings & sexual attraction to a more solid foundation of friendship. Otherwise, when feelings fade or fluctuate, the marriage fails. God’s love is deeper still–a sacrificial love that doesn’t say, “I love you because,” or “I love you when,” or “I’ll love you if.” His love says, “I love you in spite of…” (1 Cor. 13). Love becomes more action than emotion–a commitment to do loving things. That’s why God can command love. Such a man wants a woman with a godly love for him. She chooses to be sweet, kind, caring & affectionate. And yes, that also selflessly expressed sexually (1 Cor. 7:3-5). That kind of intimacy builds oneness, & protects against outside allurements (Prov. 5:18-20).
Thirdly, men want a supportive woman–a helper suitable for him (Gen. 2:18). They desire a woman who’s understanding, including understanding of their shortcomings. They want to feel respected (Eph. 5:33). He seeks someone who will build him up & bring out his best as opposed to someone who’s critical & provokes his worst. He wants a woman who makes him a better man.
Fourth, men want a woman who’s happy. Of course, nobody can make you happy. Happiness is a choice each person makes for him or herself. But a person’s partner plays a huge role in that level of happiness. They hope for a wife with a nice smile & sense of humor. Men desire women who contribute to their happiness, not detract from it (Prov. 17:22). We can’t blame our reactions on anyone else. “But you make me so angry!” No, you choose to respond with anger (or whatever negative reaction). It’s always under a person’s control. Men would like a woman to make for a more peaceful & joyful life, not a more stressful one. Christians have an advantage here because our peace & joy comes from the Lord whose Spirit produces good fruit in us (Gal. 5:22-23).
Finally, men want a beautiful woman. You may say, “Oh, I knew it…here’s where they get superficial.” Fair enough–this does seem to be more important to men than women. This would be a shallow desire if based on unrealistic societal standards. But it seems more reasonable If the emphasis is on a woman who cares about herself & her husband enough to make the effort to take good care of herself. Men do understand that being picture perfect isn’t the standard, & even if it were attainable, doesn’t last (Prov. 31:30). Outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder–men prefer all kinds of features, shapes & styles. But an inner beauty radiates from the previous 4 desires above that outshines such physicality (1 Pet. 3:3-5). Men who base their decisions on the illusion of superficial, temporary criteria often get less than what they bargained for.
Next week, we’ll see what women want in a man.